Archives for posts with tag: auto-fiction

Back in the corner they insist on calling my workstation, I took my eyes and mind away from the laptop and towards the magnolia ceiling and slowly, like all proper business people do, started sinking into my fabric office chair way more than the 1990s foam was designed for. With a plastic creak I imagined resting on a beautiful beige bed made from thousands of scrunched-up pages, spilled from an overzealous printer, all these smudged correspondences like forgotten charcoal on a cave wall, intersecting, becoming a sea of adverts, scribbles, demands and staff updates.

Jumbled together, I imagined them, wished for them to be an ocean of warm paper, maybe something like a sea in a children’s theatre production. I was wishing not to drift away on these grey waves but to make something from the experience, to put that interlocking pattern onto a wall, for that wall to come alive, to make an artwork of some kind.

Now, as I think about it, I wonder if all art making is just nostalgic wish fulfilment. We take a probably not always very enjoyable experience and make it real, make it what we wish it was like. I remember passing a note to an artist, Darren Bader, at a particularly boring art dinner; it referenced the guests surrounding us. It said, “all artists just make work about their own insecurities.”

This is of course best in film, when you get to restage your fantasy for real, well, sort of for real, as real as an entirely staged and manicured illusion can be, which is of course ironic: that the art form we connect most with life is the one most distanced from it. Film is, as I often like to say at the water cooler, the most insipid, most manicured of all the arts; it’s the ultimate illusion, designed only to deceive. It is the best magician money can possibly buy and our brains love putting it into the service of creating real-world comparisons. Surely our lives should be more like this light show?

A favourite example of wish fulfilment is Richard Curtis’s experience. He was at a wedding and met an American woman; they connected immediately, but he didn’t talk to her and had to leave. He never saw her again, but instead wrote Four Weddings and a Funeral. So a film that probably encouraged more romantic connections at weddings than any other movie was born from what was essentially insecurity that led to a small regret, followed by an imaginative train of thought.

In Suite Vénitienne, Sophie Calle famously followed a stranger from a party all the way to Venice and documented his movements, his clothes, her experiences. There wasn’t yearning here so much as a sense of documenting yearning, a sentimental, forgotten yearning, trying to recreate a collective idea of what yearning is. Both seem to begin with a gap, something missing, a person disappearing from view, and then the imagination stepping in to continue the story.

I remember a girlfriend telling me, while we sat on a couch watching Dekalog, a Kieslowski series about characters who all lived in a skyscraper, a story about my favourite Kieslowski film, Three Colours Red. She remarked that he once saw a lawyer carrying a simple red bag with a tatty leather handle, a bag like all other bags, and imagined what was inside and whether that document could change someone’s fate. He loved tiny, everyday decisions that could carry unintended moral weight.

He was a Catholic and you can, in my opinion, feel what some would call a spiritual weight when you watch his work (or listen to his composer Zbigniew Preisner); it feels authentic, if a touch pompous. I wondered if his detailing of lives that hinged on precarious moments came from some kind of memory of the war. These moments of inspiration seemed to suggest: maybe if that child had got on a different train, if that bullet had been two inches to the left, then maybe that person would never have had the child that killed the man that made the rocket.

The buzz of the printer continues reassuringly, the noise comfortably locating itself in a history I was never really part of. As I watch without any interest or investment of energy, the ink starts to run out, streaks spreading across the page. I pick one sheet out of the pile. I read the message: a pathetic ChatGPT construction concerning the difference between staff and guest tea bags. I have to tape this up in several kitchenettes across the concrete metropolis that is the hot-desking building circumstances have forced me to work in. I think to myself: which part of me wished for this? Did a thought accidentally manifest itself while I was sitting on the number 10, daydreaming of a life other than art after a private view? A thought like a fart, a thought-fart that, as the book The Secret would suggest, I accidentally made into my reality. It escaped and the demons of wish fulfilment made it happen. I wonder if maybe I need to fart more ambitiously.

Image : Richard Nik Evans, Speech Bubble, 3D printed speech bubble made from over a thousand sheets of paper, Chelsea College of Art, 2000

Nothing impresses me more than watching a person—or even just knowing a person—can do good work calmly and clearly despite all the complex, difficult, and emotional storms around them. Sometimes I wonder if it’s an integral part of some people’s personality—a skill that cannot be learned. The world may be on fire, but this type of person clears a space within the inferno and gets down to it.

As I look out the window, past the Tom Clancy paperbacks and the dying cactus, I think about the famous New York traffic controller with their white gloves, elegantly directing traffic, taking charge of an impossible tangle of aggressive emotions and powerful machines. It’s a cliché often realized as a kind of poetic dance in films, but the metaphor remains. The solid personality, the public face of government administration, the soft arm of the law, keeping the blood pumping through the veins of the city.

I’m sitting in one of London’s remaining ‘real’ cafés, just north of Camden Town, run by an Eastern European grand-dame. She seems to have mothered children into her seventies and, by all accounts, does the table service, coffee making, cooking, and hosting herself. The café is dressed in a palette that presents itself as burgundy whichever way you look. Book covers become burgundy, a painting of a sunset over a Mediterranean town glows with a burgundy haze, all the woodwork, the cheaply upholstered seats, and even the 1970s menu covers—covering menus unchanged since the 70s—are a rough, deep, brown-red. The place is stuck in perpetual dawn, suspended between night and morning.

Looking up from possibly the worst poached egg in the world—white bread, watery egg, a lettuce leaf, a cold tomato slice—I notice the mat my breakfast debris rests on. Its pallor contrasts sharply with the dawn (or sunset) implied by the rest of the interior. It depicts a French village street scene in a longing, faded Wes Anderson gouache style, probably painted in the 1980s, worn down by thousands of unsatisfied hands. All the placemats in the café are the same. When I was young, I always wondered why placemats sold together were always identical. Surely that was a missed opportunity. This small, strange experience probably foretold a suspicious relationship to pictures generally: sequential monotony, missed chances to display original art, and so on. I avoid the obvious fantasising about who this anonymous artist is or was.

The image is so faded and worn it is mostly patina—a texture formed through the natural use of the object over its lifetime. The recorded passing of hands, the dents made by cutlery and sauce bottles. Mini rituals, repeated over a lifetime, often feel more important than grand ceremonies dedicated to gods. They are a humble echo of stone steps worn into dips, or sculptures polished by the touch of drunk tourists, but here the ritual is from one mug of tea to the next egg sandwich.

Beyond the chaos of blobs, splats, and spots, the scene appears to be a gently lolling country town, probably in Provence. Probably in the afternoon—at least as most Brits imagine Provence, where time seems to pause around 3pm. The weather is neither sunny nor overcast; it’s just blank. The café’s faded billiards sign reads “Dame Confection” over a slightly dark, suggestive alley. It’s a melancholic pause instigated by a door left ajar. Tables are set outside, awnings stretch overhead, flowerpots on window sills hold upright, alive blooms—or perhaps wooden crafty replicas. Dirty wine glasses squat on the tables, and water cascades over a cake-decoration-style fountain. But unlike my café, the scene is empty, a dead landscape, not a soul around.

The lady of my café begins a long FaceTime call, probably with a friend rather than a relation, as it’s difficult to imagine such patience with family. Four builders come in, followed by another son, then a man, older. The builders order sandwiches while the waitress—owner, cook, and host all in one—pauses between phone nods to take their order. One hand on a child’s head she pivots, ballet-like, into the kitchen. She rests the phone beside the industrial toaster. One hand operates the fear-inducing silver boiling water spout, screaming its high-pitched note as tea mugs are filled. The older man talks to the child; the builders talk to each other. I ask for the bill. Two well-dressed tennis players enter, carrying big bags, striding across the café with impudent gait.

One of the pleasures of being in a café early is watching it fill, each person entering their day in their own arrogant way. Morning, more than any other time, seems to bring out the worst in people. Each feels most important in their world, vying for attention, staking a claim, asserting their right to demand.

The waitress parries the conversations with nobility, deftly progressing through the next ten minutes. I myself raise and lower my first finger, as if to indicate I have somewhere important to go—which I definitely do not. I start thinking seriously about the ‘important’ tasks I have to complete that day. Could she not understand my pressing appointments, the significant artistic contribution I am going to make to humanity?

Five minutes later, I find myself walking up the grey, slimy street toward my flat. The post has arrived: a letter from the taxman asking for another grand. Next door, the builders have started an extension the size of the house itself. No offers for work in the inbox, only time-wasters, desperate emails begging me to review underpants, Amazon delivery updates, and gallery responses that misunderstand my original messages—it all amounts to an anxious, 21st-century irritation. Balancing on top of this mound of faeces, how am I to start drawing? How can I put it all aside to begin something that earns no money, takes time, and is difficult?

Rather than face it, I pick up my phone and look at the last picture I took: the placemat, the mottled empty street. At the back, a tiny stick figure stands with a rectangular object in front of them. It can only be one thing—the artist, sitting calmly in his storm, zen-like, ignoring the torrent of brown bruises around him. Unaware of the ugly marks, he carries on with total clarity. A true plein-air painter. Strangely, I had never considered that plein-air painting might actually be difficult—with the weather, the people asking irritating questions, the performance aspect—but here he is, patient, organized, and focused, possibly painting the very scene depicted on the placemat—the scene now firmly imprinted in my memory.